And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize