I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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