Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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