You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
