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Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I love having hate sex.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
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