I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She needs sedatives and a leash
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
