i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
