from now on my penis is your penis
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize