i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
