True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
