I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
