John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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