In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
