Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
