Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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