i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
