To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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