its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
