Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
