im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
