He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
