And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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