i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
