you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
