I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
