Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
