I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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