Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize