I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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