First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
In America we eat man semen.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
