Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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