If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
