And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
