everyone is single if you try hard enough
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
