why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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