I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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