I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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