I threw up into my coffee this morning.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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