Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize