Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
you're hired as official boob wrangler
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
