If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
