Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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