I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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