(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just googled if crying burns calories
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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