four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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