He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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