trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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