she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
