sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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