My Higher Power is John Stamos
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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