Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i don't like sucking hair
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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