What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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