my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
