Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
