Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
