so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize